Today is the day I speak out for myself and state that I’ve had enough with myself! I’ve carried my past with me like some badge of honor for too long and here I am at 38 on a Sunday morning balling my eyes out because of it all finally catching up to me. There’s no one to blame for it or place ownership on but myself. Before anyone thinks I’m at the point of ending my life, I can assure you I am not–been there I know this isn’t that. I know in my core I’m a good person and so it’s not that it–I’m not writing here to ask for compliments or reassurance. But many of you have asked if I’m ok lately and my answer has been standard but I know see not entirely truthful.
It didn’t dawn on me right away but when more and more people were asking how I was or if I was ok I just chalked it up to all that had been going on in 2019–which was a lot! But what I wasn’t seeing was what others were seeing in my face and body language. Some assumed they were external factors but I’m here to share the truth.
It’s ME. It’s been me and I now finally realize that and am finding my words to articulate it. About a year ago I starting to work with a LMFT and I was particular in who I wanted to work with because I thought I knew how much I really had to “unpack” here but today is the day I really realize what it is I’m needing to and working on. MYSELF.
My past is just that but my fault is that I’ve continued to drag it with me into my present and future this whole time. I’ve let it keep relationships at surface level because I feared my vulnerability with others would scare them off and out of my life forever. I didn’t think I deserved unconditional love because I hadn’t recognized outside of my parent’s love before. I identified as broken, not whole and not enough to live a life bigger then what I’ve been existing in.
I don’t expect to wake up tomorrow and it somehow miraculously be full of rainbows, butterflies and different feelings. Just the contrary. But I commit to myself to be more diligent about working towards my own state of living a joyFUL life. To appreciate myself as I am, aspire for more and know that I’m worth the effort in doing all of this for MYSELF.
In the past and even up until this morning my driving motivators have always been external. Growing up with was to meet school standards, make my parents proud, earn a real job and make sure my friends/family/partners were happy. As I write that I sit here wide eyed in shock that–HELLO, I’m nowhere in that equation! My 170 lbs weight-loss, inspired and motivated by my deceased Mom and grandmother. Anytime people asked me about my why “well I realized that I couldn’t control my genetics but I could do something about my weight which was a contributing factor to both cancer and heart disease.” Where am I in that statement?!?! Last year when I felt like it was my year to step into the spotlight and focus on me, well the Universe threw all the curveballs it could at me and my interpretation of that was “guess not, it’s not my time…I’m not important enough.” Ironically, I’d be the first to correct anyone I love or care about in this instance–and I know some of you are thinking that exact thing or even recalling a date/time when I did that for you. I don’t regret that at all but I do promise to myself to be more proactive and prioritize myself now on.
My other “platform” when working on my health was always encouraging others to prioritize themselves in order to provide their best self to those they cared about and for. Maybe that’s the real reason I stopped being a WW leader, I was living opposite that and it subconsciously “ate” at me (ironic a bit and pun intended) until I finally gave my notice.
I had nightmares last night about being chased and vividly recall this gremlin like thing chasing after everyone and eating them. Then there I was, lone woman standing and it finally found my hiding spot–probably sniffed out my fear like a dog or bees. Started to chased me, latched on and then I woke up panting, sweating and this energy rushing through me like a lightening bolt! I tried to shut my eyes but the moment I did, there it was again. Kind of like how I woke up today. That feeling inside me was eating away at me like in that nightmare. I cried, for most of this morning I laid in my bed and cried because I couldn’t shake, describe or find my voice to articulate this feeling. Until I did and then I cried some more, I emailed my therapist while it was still fresh in my mind as a reminder for us to discuss later this week and I cried some more as I read my own words, thoughts and feelings in black and white.
This whole time I’ve been emotionally, mentally and physically draining myself. I’ve continued to try different things and expecting a different result but my approach has always been the same. List out, categorize/prioritize and then take action. However, for one I’m one person, being and soul–the “divide and conquer” method doesn’t apply here but that was my continued approach. Band-aiding the situation with external factors wasn’t going to impact the change I’ve been looking for or needing either. The TRUTH is hard–no matter the situation, the messenger, or the message. This case, my case is no different. I am the situation, the messenger and I had the message this whole time and I’ve been subconsciously running from it.
Today, I’m choosing to accept it–myself included–and run toward it. Approach myself directly and as a whole. Even broken pieces make up a whole, just in a different state then how it once was. I don’t have an amazing clear laid out plan of action at this point–having words to even begin to remotely explain this all is a big first step for me. It’s been frustrating for me and others to not have the words to articulate all of this.
I own this–there’s a reason I didn’t rehash my whole life above, because what I realize now is that isn’t what really matters–not the specific people or situations but the feelings, emotions and beliefs that I developed from them. What matters now is working forward from all that. Retrain my mind, body and soul on a new belief system that supports my core being, who I aspire to be and the legacy I leave here.
That’s all for now.
Workin’ Gal wondering onward…