Today I had it! I broke down in tears of frustration on the floor of our quiet room here at work–to be fair there are no chairs so it’s not like I completely lost my mind while at work today, but even if I did…sh*t happens. It hit me like a ton of bricks (why do we say that, who the heck actually knows what that feels like?!?). I shoved my phones in my pockets, wiped my face and took off my heels. I needed to get out of the office and get my frustrated energy out of my body! I quickly stopped at my desk to grab my flats and sunglasses, rushed down the steps and out the door. I walked around the block, down the hill and ended up in front of the office park creek before finding solace under a tree. Here’s what happened from there….
I’ve been walking this earth for 37 years and while I may not know everything in the world, I’ve lived a pretty full like even at 36+. At this point I’m done spending my time, effort and emotions proving my worth, decisions and value to the world. As much as people may care, it’s my life to live and I’d appreciate the world telling me how to do so. Someone always wants to tell me how to vote, think, act, look, etc.! That may be your well-being but it doesn’t mean it’s mine. We are all unique and different with diverse needs, goals, dreams, desires, plans and so much more. We are not a “one size fits all” human race so why do we keep trying to push that ideology on people?? There is more than one “right way” to do something so let me do it my way.
I’m a woman. I’m smart. I’m successful. I’m accomplished. I’m an athlete. I’m curvy. I’m a daughter. I’m a sister. I’m a friend. I’m a partner. I’m a mentor. I’m not perfect, I make mistakes but I try my best and work hard every day! I care, a lot. I give, a lot. I don’t have everything I want but I have everything I need. I’m going to get it wrong sometimes but I’ll learn–we don’t stop a baby from trying, why do we stop living that way? I’ll be a learner until the day I die.
Respect is earned and I get/agree with that, but my trust is given. I’m tired of walking around this world with everyone focusing on the worst in each other, not trusting each other and assuming that something done or said is with ill intent. I’d rather live my life assuming the best but encountering than worst than the other way around. Mother Theresa didn’t only help the perfect/good people in this world–she helped everyone. I’m no Mother Theresa but I can appreciate her way of living her life!
I can’t control others but I can control my own actions. I know that they come from a good place and one of love with their questioning, care and concern. But it’s my life and God’s will is the only one that matters. Life is too short–whether we live 10 or 100 years, there’s always that feeling of not enough time. God blessed me with a life (no matter the time line) and He put us all here for our own unique and special reason. Enough living me life based on everyone else’s expectations and timeline–I’m living according to His!
I decided to start this self-love project because too much of my energy was outward and I was starting to feel it wane on me internally. But what I’ve come to realize after a week is that God put me here to be a giver and that includes my time. I’m going to focus on meeting my personal needs but not take from the gift God gave me. I miss loved ones EVERY FREAKIN DAY but the lesson I have learned from them is love is bigger and greater than anything in this world. My goal is to die smiling–because then I will have fulfilled my purpose.
It’s OK if you don’t like it, question it, don’t understand it but you don’t have the right to change it or me–only He does! So you can have your opinion and way of living life but live yours not mine. This is my voice and I will use it for myself and any other current/former introvert who struggles to use/find theirs. It’s OK to be you–DO YOU!
Think the above pretty much explains itself but why not go into detail in the future/coming posts? Stay tuned…