So much to say….

All too often I will turn to someone when I’m frustrated or need to blow off steam.  Afterwards I realize I should have not run from myself.  See, I tend to “distract” myself with something else or someone else when I should just deal with whatever IT is.   Kind of like right now, I have writer’s block for a paper I need to post tonight for my Masters program.  I did not wait until the last minute to write it–don’t go there.  I’m just….well I’m in my own way!  It was just before this that I got stuck last time and well here I am doing this all over again.  I’m my best friend and biggest enemy all at the same time. 

Looking back I can see how I did that to myself in relationships, my health, etc.  People will call it different things but when it comes down to it, it’s all the same.  We all can’t seem to get out of our own way.  Some people say it’s perfectionism for them and if they can’t do it perfectly then they won’t do it at all–um what? LOL…  Others will just blame someone else for why they didn’t get it accomplished–this person distracted me, or what’s her face needed me for this so I couldn’t do that, etc.  All of it comes back to ourselves.  I’m guilty of it, duh otherwise I wouldn’t be here talking about it. 

It took me 15 years to get out of my own way when it came to my health.  I blamed other people for why I was the way I am.  That is until I took responsibility for myself.  Same thing with my trust issues…hello?? Trust yourself and you’ll be able to trust others.  Relationships?  Ha!  My friends were just as much a part of my dating life as was the person I was dating.  Ladies, it’s one thing to share the details with your girlfriends, it’s a whole other thing when you are having their decisions and input live the relationship for you.  I think it’s safe to say that this is my first “successful” relationship, not because it’s lasted or there’s a ring on my finger (which there isn’t but some people judge relationships that way so that’s why I say that) but because I’m actually living the relationship I’m in, not my friends.  I make the decisions for myself in my relationship not the girls.  They know it’s not always “rainbows and butterflies” (or whatever that Faby=ism is) but they know after the fact not during.  I don’t run to people to fix my problems I do it.  I guess you can say that I’m finally grown up now–funny I’m almost 30 and just now admit to being a grown up. 

Certain things in life unfolded after my mom passed.  Don’t get me wrong, a lot just fell apart for me initially.  But as I was working on picking up the pieces I learned how to finally do things for myself.  My mom wasn’t an “enabler” but she was my mom.  She was always there to help in any and every way she could.  Well in that I’ve learned that even at 20+ I would go to her to help or advise, instead of dealing with it on my own.  I’m still growing in this.  There’s times when I want to run to a friend or my manfriend (he says ‘boyfriend’ sounds silly, so there you go). 

All that rant for what?  Well still not sure…that’s why I’m sitting here tapping away.  Instead of distracting myself with something that’s not going to fix the problem (i’ve already cleaned my house, shopped for all I need, watched tv, checked/returned emails, etc) I’m trying to figure out why it is that I’m unable to get out of my own way with this school thing. 

I can tell you this…I miss her….this is one of many things that I will accomplish without her being here cheering me on.  I know that I’ll have to learn to get used to that…she won’t be there to walk me down the aisle like I always wanted her to with my dad, she won’t be there to hold her first grandchild like she always wanted, she won’t be my first phone call when ever I do get engaged, she won’t be there yelling my name at the top of her lungs when I walk across that stage to receive my diploma…

I just answered my own question didn’t I?  I can’t stand in my way just b/c she won’t be there for any of that.  That’d be me choosing not to live life and even worse, by doing that it doesn’t bring her back–it’s a lose-lose situation.  I’ve been successful in getting out of my way when it’s come to my weightloss…I’m sitting here almost 70lbs lighter!  So I’ve cried, ranted, and answered my own question.  Time to try that paper again, huh? 

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