It’s not about you….it’s about ME

What a rollercoaster this year has been so far!!!  Where do I even begin to explain how crazy it has been??  But you know what? It’s not even about the numerous events, tragedies, obstacles, challenges, papers due, etc.  It’s about what I’ve learned from everything!

I had someone ask me today why it is that I have been distant from them.  They asked what they did wrong to create it.  Well, it’s not about you…it’s about ME!!  Life keeps on going and giving to us no matter if we are up and running with it or have fallen flat on our face.  I had a lot of falling this year so far, but the best part has been all the learning that I’ve gotten from it!

I knew that the first part of this year was going to be real tight with time.  I did my best to plan accordingly.  For example, my bosses were moving and my course this term consisted of a syllabus the size of a short story!  I knew I had to plan ahead with everything that I could. 

So I did what I could ahead of time with the move and did my best to stay on top of my assignments for school.  Where there was extra room, I tried to squeeze in my school time.  Well the night before the movers showed up to pack, my boss fell on the stairs and broke her foot.  When I turned the corner after I heard her screams she look like she had been mugged in a dark alley.  Her face was bloody from busting her nose and she had a knot on her forehead the size of a golf ball!  I quickly tended to her as well as I could.  Once things settled, I knew this was going to make for a challenging move out/in weekend.  I was already at the point of working two weeks straight and long days at that.  Just as in theater though, the show must go on!  My OCP (obsessive compulsive personality–diagnosed by my sister and boyfriend) kicked into gear.  Before I left, the whole house was labelled and the movers had a “To Do” and “Not To Do” list.  In addition to, there was a brief summary of requests/notes that had already been discussed with the sales person of the move company.

That coming Monday I was to stay behind to close up the house and do the final walk through with the landlady.  It was a LONG weekend but I was nicely awakened by a morning call from my BF.  During our conversation I was checking me email from my phone (hey, I’m not the only one who’s done it–don’t judge).  Not five minutes into our call I was in tears, and to no fault of his.  I received word that my cousin in Italy had passed away from cancer at 39 years old.  I was crushed.  She fought so long and hard only to lose her battle and leave behind her two children and husband.  Bless his heart, that man didn’t freak out but stayed on the phone with me until I had calmed down and was ok to go about the rest of my day.  I kept that day as short as I could so I could go home and rest up.  Next was a trip to LA to move them in.

When it comes to packing for a trip that I don’t want to take, I hate packing and travelling.  It’s an unwanted headache.  Vacations and leisure travel??  Absolutely–sign me up!!  But to move someone…uh no thanks!  I no sooner get down to LA and in the house when I receive a phone call.  Correction, an abundance of phone calls.  I tried to ignore them but it gets to a point where you have to step out and take the call.  She was in tears….to the point of not being able to clearly (or even kinda) articulate what the message was.  I thought someone had–wait, not appropriate to use that here.  Needless to say, the news I got wasn’t good.  I don’t want to share it b/c it’s not my news to share with the whole world.  I was barely opperating as it was and now this??  What’s that saying….”what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”??  Ugh, i should be Hercules by now!!

The following week wasn’t too bad.  Aside from the Steelers losing the Superbowl, BOO!!  Then I got towards the end of the week.  Had to put someone back on a plane (not me, I was already home) and I never like doing that.  Don’t give me that, “…distance makes the heart grow fonder” crap.  You’ve obviously never been in a long distance relationship if you are saying that.  Aside from that, that week was also the ‘anniversary’ (that word never seems appropriate here, but it’s all I got) of my BFF’s mom passing.  She was like my other mom; so when I lost my mom, there was no back up.  Sad day….

The rest I’m not going to go into detail…well not at this point.  That I will save for another blog post.  But the short of it is.  I finally made a decision for myself (an important one) by myself.  I had to think about it, pray about it, leave life behind for about two hours to meditate about it, etc.  But I made it.  In all honesty, when asked about how I felt about my decision today by a faculty member…i was proud of myself.  I made the decision on my own and was comfortable with the decision I had made.  It’s not to say I didn’t consult or listen to other’s advice about it.  But when it came down to it, I made the decision…and then I trusted God with the decision I made.  Whatever the outcome is what’s meant to be for me.  I’m not throwing “caution to the wind” I’m trusting in God and myself.  Something that I haven’t really done before whole heartily.  I feel like an adult now.  Sounds silly but I’m serious.  My mom isn’t here to run to anymore.  I stood up on my own two feet and progressed. 

So the correspondence I got this afternoon from someone asking me what they did wrong blew my mind.  I wasn’t going to answer them at all but then when I answered their question for myself I had another revelation–it’s not about you…it’s about ME!!

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